up close and personal

I awoke this morn. at three am, feeling the "loss" of my mother, I took a few minutes to cry, trying to pull my self together.

I made a strong cup of coffee...still a no-no! seeing as how I'm so-pose to be on my detox program. I drank it back and hoped I would not muck things up too much, in my gastric intestinal system... me gut's.

I jump on the computer in search of ex-Jehovah's Witnesses, needing to communicate with some one who would understand my "loss." Alas I could find none, unless I joined some group belonging to some site...(Maybe I will one day) I've decided to blog instead, not knowing where this will take me.

I don't often cry over my "loss, " I use to, every day in fact numerous times a day, that's about 14 years ago. Today it hits me now and again, like when my ex mother in law passed away. I thought on my own mom, when shes gone...I mean really gone how will I be? Will I manage without her? Will I keel over with more pain? Who will help her? Will I be allowed to help?
 Or will it be easier seeing as how I've already "lost" her, and dad.

I ache for you mom, dad you don't even know. My heart bleeds and breaks.

I need you.

Hold me, as you used to, and I'll hold you back.

I wish I could tell you and dad how much I love you. I wish you could see my heart, you would know that I have not left God.

I can not beg you to see me or reach out to me any more, I'm too afraid of your answer.

I watched mom walk away with my sister arm in arm, I saw she put her head on moms shoulder, I cried behind your backs, you did not see my tears. I wished I had been on the other arm, the three of us as it should be.

Religion is a strange thing, even danderious... it can reek havoc in a persons life, it can do damage that can not be reversed...
the physic gets mucked about with, and you lose so much.

I am hoping this blog will be cathartic for me, and hoping to find a peace with in.